Sunday, April 29, 2012

Missing Laura...

Today's my grandma's birthday.  My first one without her.  We lost her in August 2011.  I didn't blog about the loss when it happened, because I wasn't ready to face it.  I tried to pretend that it didn't happen, that she was still in her NYC apartment (making me feel guilty for not calling & visiting enough.)  Even when we buried her (and I wrote the eulogy) it didn't feel real.  Not until a month later when we met my mom at her apartment and helped clean it out.  Before she passed, my mom was talking to her about maybe giving up the apartment she lived in for my whole life, and moving to assisted living or something, and my grandma looked around (at her one bedroom) and said "and give up all this?"  She had a lifetime of treasures, and seeing people come by and take her possessions, tear apart her built-in furniture, and throw out most... really hit home.  We took a few pieces of art from the home, photos, jewelry and some household items.  And we took a suitcase full of small items.  The suitcase is still sitting in my bedroom - unpacked.  For some reason, I can't bring myself to do that final step.

I miss her all the time.  To say every day would probably be a lie, but even all these months later, i'll think of something i want to tell her, or something will remind me of her... and grief will wash over me like a physical tidal wave.  It mostly happens while I'm driving.  I can't drive into (or through) NYC anymore without that same weight of missing her - because once I moved away from NYC, every time i'd go back, I would try to make time to go and visit - to squeeze it in.  And now it just feels like something's missing.  The whole city has a black hole for me.

Happy Birthday, Grandma.  I wish I could talk to you one more time... especially today.

Me & Grandma Laura,  December 1979

2008 (I was pregnant).

4 Generations - the week we brought Lily home.


2011 - Atlantic City

Laura & Her Family,  April 2011

We celebrated her 90th birthday in April, 2011 in Atlantic City. 

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