Saturday, January 9, 2010

18 days to live...

Today time has slowed down in my house.
If I had only 18 days to live, I know exactly how I'd spend them...

Friday, January 8, 2010

People Love Boobies

Look at this email I got today.

Dear xxxxxxxxxx,

Your video Lilian Breastfeeding xxx xx/xx/xxxx has become popular on
YouTube, and you're eligible to apply for the YouTube Partnership
Program, which allows you to make money from playbacks of your video.

Once you're approved, making money from your video is easy. Here's how
it works: First sign into your YouTube account. Then, complete the steps
outlined here: Once you're finished, we'll start placing ads next to
your video and pay you a share of the revenue as long as you meet the
program requirements.

We look forward to adding your video to the YouTube Partnership Program.
Thanks and good luck!

The YouTube Team

© 2009 YouTube, LLC
901 Cherry Ave, San Bruno, CA 94066

Why doesn't it surprise me that out of my 500 videos or whatever... the
one of my breast has gained such popularity?
LOL, people are so silly.

Day 3 Down...

3 days of dieting down... I stayed "on point" for Weight Watchers 3 days
in a row, with no cheats. 4 more to go until weigh in... hoping to have
an excellent first week "back on the wagon".

Dieting sucks. Being overweight sucks more though.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Day 1... again and again...

I joined Weight Watchers January 26, 2009. My brother's wedding was in
April and I was mortified to see family I hadn't seen in forever. I lost
almost 20 lbs by April 1 when we went to California (9 weeks). Then, I
fell off the WW bandwagon after my brother's wedding (which was my
original goal/motivation for going.) I still went once a month or so
and weighed in, but after those original 3 months, I really didn't stick
to it. But when I did, it really worked!!!

From January to April 2009 I lost 19.8 pounds. By May 4 I had lost 23,
which was the most I ever lost. Gained a little back, then June 3 I had
lost 23.8 (total). By the end of June I gained 4 back (so my loss was
at 19.8), by the end of July I had gained 3 more (putting my loss at
16.8). By September I gained 2 more (my loss at 14.8). Then between my
birthday (Sept 8) and October 22 I had gained TEN pounds in 6 weeks (we
spent in Pennsylvania), putting my loss at only 4.8 pounds. December 15
I had lost 1.6 (total loss at 6.4) and I went today January 5, 2010 and
had lost 1.6 more (total loss at 8). So, sad, slowly over the rest of
the 9 months of the year I gained back nearly all of it, and now it's
January 2010 and I'm pretty much back where I started (I may be 8 lbs
less then where I started last year, but I look virtually the same.)

I took my body measurements when I started Weight Watchers (LAST year
January 2009) and again 3 months later... and I lost .5" off my arms,
4.5" off my waist, 3" off my hips, 1" off my thigh, 2" off my chest (Bra
Band), and 3" off my bust. Down 2 pants sizes and 2 bra sizes! Yay
So I took measurements again today... and as compared to my ORIGINAL
measurements, I'm nearly the same again. So I got back all those
inches. So sad.

And last year, I said THIS is the year that I "take back" my body... and
sadly it wasn't.

But maybe this time for real.

So today was Day 1, Take 100-or-so back on Weight Watchers. The first
week is the hardest, but I'll find my way back.

I'm feeling very inspired this time.


Monday, January 4, 2010

Sunday, January 3, 2010

She's Talking!

Lilian started talking a few weeks ago... and it's still a novelty to
me! It's so freaking' cute and practical too! She can TELL me what she
wants (though, unfortunately for me, what she wants 95% of the time is
to watch Dora)!

Between the verbal words and her signing, I'd say she has a vocabulary
of about 20 words or concepts.

She says:
Duck (And pretty much every animal falls into one of those two
Bot (for bottle)
Baa (for bath)
Dora (which changed from doh-doh to door)
Boots (the monkey in Dora)
Map (also from dora)
Back-ck (backpack, from dora)
Gook (for cookie)
Baby (a doll)
Uh oh (if she drops something)
Mom or MomMom

She does baby sign language for:
Bath/Wash (a hand washing movement)
More (which she uses the most)
Brushing teeth (rubs teeth with finger)

I probably forgot a few...

If you say these body parts, she points to them (and I'm working on
teaching her more):
Beebo (belly button)
(Sometimes she knows nose/eye but often she points to her mouth when I
say those)

So, it's super fun and helpful that when she's whiney or unhappy, I can
say "do you want a bottle? Do you want to eat?" etc. And when she hears
the choice she wants, she says "Bot" or "eat" or more likely "Dora"
while doing the "more" hand signal. And the other day, she requested a
bottle, I took her into the kitchen to get one... got distracted and did
something else, then headed back to her room. And when we sat down, she
looked at me so confused and said "bot?" And I said "oh yeah! I
forgot!" It was so neat that she could TELL me why I went into the
kitchen and what I forgot.

I can't wait until she can express more than just her "needs" and
"wants" and can talk to me about something she thinks. Though I am
dreading the discovery of the word "why?"

I haven't really been keeping up with my August 2008 Mom/Baby group, so
I'm not sure where she stands... as in, if she's behind in her language
development or on time (it seems a little late, but I have no idea)...
but it seems like once she learned to communicate one words, than 10
more seemed to follow right away.

Every day I think I have maximum love for her, and each following day, I
shock myself by loving her MORE than I knew was possible.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

New Year's Goals - Month 1

It can't be just me. Every year, I'm pretty sure I have the same new
year's goals. (Whereas I do like the concept of setting goals for the
new year, I'm not sure I like the term "resolutions".) I guess this
means I'm not so good at follow through. Or maybe my goals are too
broad or too unrealistic. Maybe a year is too long to hold myself to

So this year I'm going to do it differently. Same goals, different
method. At the beginning of each month, I'm going to set monthly goals
and really hold myself to them. And the next month, instead of
replacing the goals, I'll add to them. I need a lot of change in my
life, and hopefully adding my goals one by one, and by focussing on new
ones each month - this will be the year I turn things around.

The number one goal I have every year... is the new year's cliche. Lose
weight. This year, more than that, I want to improve my look overall.
I want to care more about my appearance. Since moving here in 2007,
I've really kind of quit. But this is the subject of another entry

The past few years, I've also promised myself to read more... and it
didn't really happen. This year, hopefully I can turn that around.

But my goal for January is going to be... to get organized. I need my
things, my environment, my mind, my life to be organized. I need to
eliminate my clutter, both physical and emotional. (Not having the 2010
pages for my Filofax planner/calendar doesn't help. And yes, I'm
probably the last person on earth with a PAPER planner, and even though
my mobile has a calendar, I just can't get into it.) Hopefully, I can
start today. Little by little, one thing a day, I want to take back my
life in an organized fashion.

In February, a second goal will be added... and I'll check in on this

Anyone else with resolutions/goals? I'd love to hear about them!

These Moments...

I'm a depressed person. I'm depressed, depressing, and if you know me,
you know this.

But every so often, this moment of clarity and pure joy shines through
my day. And since having Lilian I have these moments daily. And the
older she gets, the more of these moments I recognize.

Last night, I spent most of my New Year's Eve watching Dora (the same 2
episodes over and over). But there was this moment, when I was sharing a
Fugi apple with Lilian and her little hips were wiggling along with a
Dora song, and she had apple juice dripping down her chin... and I
thought "I've never been happier in my whole life."

She has a certain dance move she does, kinda like driving a bus, when
she hears the Family Guy theme song... and it makes me think she's the
best dancer to grace the earth (OK, maybe not, but definitely the
funniest kid alive.)

There are times I feel love, or pride, or awe... but I'm not talking
about those. I'm talking about These Moments of... elation. There's no
other word.

Sometimes these moments aren't about Lilian. The feeling of driving in
any direction away from a city... and feeling the buildings get further
and further apart, until all you can see is farmland, feels like a brick
is lifted off my chest and I can breathe again... and I have a moment of
elation. But it's because she's in my life that I can recognize These

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